I feel entirely torn between who I am. I’m part free spirit, part neurotic plan maker. Sound contradictory? . I want to be free, and yet at the same time, giving into my freedom means letting go of control. Letting go of the idealized body and white picket fence, and just coasting. Going wherever the polluted breeze takes me.
Maybe that’s all we are. A bunch of contradictions. A friend who’s a “devout” Jew, who doesn’t celebrate Channukah, but rather Christmas. The housewife who’s environmentally conscious yet takes twenty minute showers twice a day. The friend who is a die hard democrat and social justice advocate, yet gets her monthly trust fund allowance from her family’s oil company. These individuals firmly believe they can be both, though to an outsider it seems a little out of place. I guess there’s the beauty in finding the balance between “keeping it loose, and keeping it tight” (amos lee). I wonder if I will ever be able to accept that I am both free and entirely contained. I find that nothing goes according to my “plan”. Never. The struggle between control and freedom is constant, while still attempting to walk the tightrope of sanity.
All my thoughts bursting out like overstuffed turkey, and I feel damned heavy in my mind.
In one of my favorite novels The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera says “When we want to give expression to a dramatic situation in our lives, we tend to use metaphors of heaviness. We say that something has become a great burden to us. We either bear the burden or fail and go down with it, we struggle with it, win or lose. And Sabina-what had come over her? Nothing. She had left a man because she felt like leaving him. Had he persecuted her? Had he tried to take revenge on her? No. Her drama was a drama not of heaviness but of lightness. What fell to her lot was not the burden but the unbearable lightness of being”
Perhaps the tightrope of sanity, the balance between freedom and containment, the struggle of spirit and mind, is simply not burdensome at all. There is lightness in our contradictions and in the tug of war game of our selves. I am not one thing, but a compilation of many things. We are both light and heavy, for our lightness causes our heaviness. I will find both peace and confusion in what I think, and maybe that’s just the simple beauty of it all. I am at peace in my state of confusion.